For some parents, that bond will be immediate and it will last a lifetime. For others, however, it might take a little longer and a little conscious work. That’s okay! Just because you don’t feel that bond immediately doesn’t mean that it won’t form. We are all different. Parents who adopt teenagers form those bonds, parents who can’t see their baby right away because of medical reasons form those bonds, and even absentee parents who meet their fully-grown child form those bonds. It is never too late.
Still, starting early can mean just that much more time with your child. Here are some of our favorite ways to bond during the different stages of parenthood:
During Pregnancy
Bonding can start even before your baby is born. Research shows that babies know and feel what is going on outside of the womb. If you really want to start with a great connection, start here.
Massage Your Belly
One way to start your bond is to gently massage your belly. You should only really do this after the first three months of pregnancy, using oils or creams to help your skin stay supple (though it is almost impossible to avoid stretch marks). One way to get the most out of the massage is to include the other parent, if possible, and to use aromatherapy oils that will calm you down and maybe even put you to sleep. After the first trimester, lavender is a great scent for this.
Sing and Talk to Your Bump
From about 23 weeks, your baby can hear some of the sounds from the outside world. For many parents, this means that they can start playing their favorite music and songs. Remember that while you might enjoy listening to “My Shot” from the Hamilton cast recording twelve times a day, your baby probably won’t. Stick to gentle or calming songs.
Even better, you can sing to your baby. If you don’t have the best voice, it doesn’t matter, just get your baby used to it. Once you’re trying to put your baby to sleep at 3AM, you’ll be glad you did it. Have both parents and even relatives talk to your bump to get the same effect. It might seem strange at first, but eventually, it will become second nature and you will do it all the time.
Remember the Other Parent as Well
For many moms who carry the pregnancy, it is second nature to bond with baby. When the daily reminder of the pregnancy isn’t there and you aren’t feeling minute-by-minute updates, it can be harder. The other parent may not have the same experience you have, but you still should ensure that there is a bond.
Have the other partner feel your baby move, talk to your bump, sing to it, and even have moments alone. While this might seem strange, put in some noise cancellation headphones and give them a minute alone.
Respond When Your Baby Wants Your Attention
Your baby will start to move around a kick from about 18 weeks to 20 weeks. When your baby moves, do all the above even more. This opens communication between the two of you.
Infant
As soon as your baby is born, you should start trying to form that bond, if only so that you can get a few restful nights.
Breastfeed
When you breastfeed, you are having an extremely intimate moment where you can focus solely on providing for your little one. Looking into the eyes of your child is a feeling that cannot be described – you will know just how important they are to you and you will understand just how much you mean to them.
Not all mothers can breastfeed. Feeding your child in whatever way you can is extremely important. If you have someone who watches your child during the day, make sure you are feeding him or her as much as you possibly can – there is a bond there that you can’t outgrow.
Read
Reading to your baby at night or before naptime isn’t only great for his or her cognitive development, it also creates a bond. Find a few books that allow you to read with a melodious tone for about five minutes at first. Even though your baby truly can’t see well, big pictures with contrast will help as they age.
Reading allows your baby to hear your voice and to think of it as a calming thing. Much younger than we think, reading before bed also sets up a schedule that baby can follow, making them happier and healthier throughout the day.
Talk and Play
Talking and playing with a child who doesn’t really respond (at least in the earlier months) might seem silly, but it is actually a great way to bond. You will be able to understand and appreciate all of the growth that your child makes and allow them to grow and create connections even more.
Just having you around is enough for your child to start to form a bond. The closer you are, the more details a baby can make out on your face (though you will still just look like eyes), imprinting who that person is.
Talking does the same thing – your voice will be the one that your baby can pick out in a crowd.
Keep ‘Em Close
Proximity is key to forming a bond when your child is an infant. Your smell, your voices, the feeling of your arms and hands, and even what you wear will be a comfort to your child. Whenever possible, hold your baby. There are stories on the internet about babies who have been held too much but in today’s busy world, there really isn’t such a thing.
Toddler
You’ll notice that the main categories here are the same as they were in the infant age group – this is because you want to continue doing these things with your children. How you will approach them is a bit different, however.
Play
Once your child is able to move around and play, it is important to continue teaching your child different ways to play, different games, and how to share. If your child thinks that you are fun, you are creating a bond that will last. It will also allow you to work in educational games and ways for you to deal with sensitive topics.
Most importantly, playing will give you great memories to look back on during times when those bonds are tested.
Read
Reading to your toddler is a bit different. In many cases, you will be able to keep the same books that you read to your child as an infant. Now, take your time and talk about the pictures, pointing out important details. Reading helps to give you quiet moments to bond with a toddler who is probably all over the place the rest of the day.
Even better – allow your child to read to you. By now, you’ve probably read this particular book quite often. As soon as your child starts making vocal sounds on command, encourage him or her to read the book. Stare with rapt attention as your child talks – this will teach them that it is okay to do so.
Talk
Talking to a toddler is a fantastic way to create a bond. At this stage, you doing the talking isn’t as important as it was during the infant stage. You have to listen.
Allowing your child to just talk to you is imperative to forming a healthy relationship. Talk about everything from what happened at daycare to what he or she wants for dinner. Talk about going on vacation, a movie you just watched, or even about the future.
Most importantly: put away your phone. Don’t watch television at the same time. Give your child as much direct attention as you possibly can.
Keep ‘Em Close
Many children don’t want someone holding them once they reach the age where they can walk around on their own. You have to find a way around that. Whether you get to be close and just sit with your child when they watch television, while reading a book, or even just playing around with the SnapChat filters, spending even ten minutes close to each other per day will continue strengthening that bond.
Remember that creating a bond with your child is important, no matter what happens or when it happens.
